Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.