Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

i will not be silenced

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that