Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.