Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

What personal space?

My dog

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.