Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Worlds greatest photobomb

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I’m ready for Halloween this year

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body