Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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it’s not been my year
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.