Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
why am I working on Labor Day
