Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home