Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

Sounds like a real hoot.

quarantine day 3

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!