*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
im all 3
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts