Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

Are we there yet?…

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.