[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
When someone trying to leave me
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Sounds about right! 💯
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left