Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting