Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

is this how new cars are made??

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.