*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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Google Pay be like:
I love you…
…r dog.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
taking June’s advice to heart
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the three branches of government
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.