*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.