[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome