My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
our love story in four pictures
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
$3 #books
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving