*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
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God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off