(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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I only treason on days ending in y
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
You know I’m something of a chef myself
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.