Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

The first one, obviously

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

I can also cook 😂

Tapped in

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?