Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

I have never related to a cat more

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.