@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

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@nbadag

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@Underchilde

Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

@HenpeckedHal

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

@TuSoonShakur

Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger

CDC: desist please

@mostlydelirious

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.