[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes


Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?


Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.


Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.


Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.


“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.



Kids: *already running away with my pants*


Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger

CDC: desist please


Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.


Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.