[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
North and South
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Cannot stop laughing at this
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet