[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer