[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”![]()
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably