Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

presenting your incognito window wrapped

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

😭😭

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”