*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.