*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”