Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Help

accurate

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

Siri: Retweet me.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”