[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.