Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks