Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

PLOT TWIST:

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.