*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You Might Also Like
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If you know, you know
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people