Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

wow he looks just like him

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.