Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Just say no

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

It do be feeling this way.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I don’t know what to do

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*