Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts