Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

you stereotypes are all alike

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman