holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Fries, not lies.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”