@AndyAsAdjective

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

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@dave_cactus

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@simoncholland

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

@

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@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@DurtMcHurtt

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.