@AndyAsAdjective

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

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@UnFitz

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

@sophielou

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

@kumailn

“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors

@drinksmcgee

Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@thatUPSdude

“Eating Clean” means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I “eat clean”.

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.