Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.