[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Note to self: I am a note
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Just a bush.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”