[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
oh you wanna fight?!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world