Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.