Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
How software testing works
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.