Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
I was bored.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.