Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured