Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Chemical wingman

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

❤️

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.