Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

m’lady

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*