Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??