*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No