*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant