Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ