*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
you’re damn right i have
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
definitely did not do anything wrong
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”