*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]