@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

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@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@TheBoydP

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@jobrowneyes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint