Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Good dog. ❤️

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

this is so top tier i cant

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

Now colored!

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.