Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”