Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Fries, not lies.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Many hands make light work

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life