Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

True freaking story!

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?