Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!