[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
So sorry