Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

fourth time’s the charm

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

#merica

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.