Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow