*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I have two kinds of followers
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.