[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.