[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.