[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh