Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?