Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Duck typos.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”