Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Put this video in the Louvre

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.