[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Truly one of the great bangers
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”