[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You Might Also Like
how long have you had this for?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Never deleting this app.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny