[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I love the honesty
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”