*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse