*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Why am I like this?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅