*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The glory of fall.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
who will stop them
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day