*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up